JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN, OR WAS IT FORGOT?

"When I hold you in my arms

And I feel my finger on your trigger

I know nobody can do me no harm because..."

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Lennon-McCartney

By Juan Montoya

If you have attended the many pachangas and fundraisers this primary season, you have probably stood around the keg in the corner trading political rumors and inside scuttlebutt with the boys (and girls).

The saying that you shout believe only half of what you see and nothing of what you hear might well apply to the level of discourse around the barrel of mirth.

"Did you hear so-and-so was messing around with so-and-so's wife (secretary, ex-wife, girlfriend, fill in the appropriate culprit in the blank)?

Or, "Did you hear who's going to get indicted?", a popular phrase in the post-Limas era that stops the Styrofoam cup in mid air as people strain to hear over the hubbub of conversation and norteño music blaring from the electrified conjunto nearby.

Law enforcement candidates are by far the notorious at spreading gossip.

There are rumors aplenty that some of the law-enforcement candidates had their homework done by others to pass their certification, that the sheriff often gets lost in the back county roads because he forgets where he's at, that a candidate for sheriff has had women troubles before and that reports exist, that a candidate whose campaign photo has him wearing a gun when he's not supposed to because he's not currently a peace officer, etc.

But a recent fundraiser for an elected official, the teller of the following rumor got the award for best topic hands down.

"Did you hear of the candidate for constable who lost his gun and couldn't find it for a whole three weeks?", he asked casually as he pumped on the keg valve to increase the flow.

The conversation came to a halt at this delicious tidbit.

Now, there is nothing more circumspect than a Cameron County political gossip. They tell you just enough for you to try to guess who they're talking about.

For example, there are at two candidates for Constable Pct. 1. They are Horacio Zamora and Pedro Antonio “Pete” Collazo.
For Constable Pct. 2 you have Juan Torres, Roel Arreola, Pedro “Pete” Avila Jr. and Abelardo “Abel” Gomez Jr. Likewise, for Constable Pct. 3, Joe Cavazos and Frank Robles Jr. are vying for the position. In the race for Constable Pct. 4, Benito “Benny” Errisuriz, Juan Muñoz and Merced Burnias Jr. are in the running. and out in the boondocks, in the race for Constable Pct. 5, Reynaldo Gonzalez Sr., Joe Frias, Cesar Rene Diaz and Angela Ramirez-Gonzalez are the candidates.

They are all democrats and no Republican opponents will await the eventual winners of the May 29 primary in the November general election.

With all these potential targets, you would almost have to flip a coin to determine who they are talking about.

"This person also worked for a while as an investigator with the DA," the gossip hinted, throwing a piece of raw meat at the frenzy of piranhas around the keg.

Now, it would be even harder to guess even with that clue because some constables – at one time or another – have performed work in their jurisdictions for the county DA or the Cameron County Sheriff. What could be more convenient than having a resource who knows his jurisdiction better than most?

Having gotten to bite and left us salivating at the tidbit, the the gossip made his way to the conjunto but not before he hurled his last hook.

"He already recovered his gun, but we don't know whether he replaced it with another or if it's the same one," he smiled as he turned his back on the group and walked away.