EL TACAÑO: A TALE OF A TIGHTWAD AND HIS COMMUPPANZA

By Juan Montoya

Panfilo Tacaño was skinny.
He was born a normal baby, but as time went on, his ravenous nursing at his mother's bosom and his tendency to kick off his older sibling (then 2) from nursing made adults laugh.

"Mira que envidioso," some of his mother's comadres would say and chuckle.

As he grew up, he developed a tendency to hoard his marbles, wolf down his food to get more than the others, and even go through the leftovers at the dinner table after everybody was gone. He gave nothing to no one. Paradoxically, the more he ate, the less weight he showed.

He was, in short, a miser, a tacaño.

Girls would not go out with him because he expected them to pay, and when he did foot the bill, he would give his date a worried look if she did not ask for "el especial" which was also cheaper than a regular dish.

Waiters hated him when he came with a group because he would lag behind them as they left and surreptitiously lift a dollar from the tips they left. One time one of his friends caught him pocketing a dollar at a Matamoros restaurant and chided him for being so tight.

"Es que me los estan chiflando," Panfilo had protested. "They are going to expect me to give them a dollar, too. Just leave a quarter. Anyway, at the exchange rate that's about 5 pesos."

The holidays were especially repulsive to Panfilo. He hated giving gifts. Whether it was St. Valentine's Day (Why do you want flowers and chocolates when you have my love?), Secretary's Day (It's your job. You get paid, don't you?), Mother's Day (I am just thankful I still have you, mamacita. Deja darte un beso.), etc.

Christmas was the worse. Then, he would make himself scarce from his family and call them on the telephone making up some kind of excuse for his absence. (Someone has to work while you guys celebrate!) And he would attend New Year's parties where he knew the hosts were known for funding night-long bacchanals and having tables full of botana.

Panfilo lived on the US-Mexico border where, apart from Christmas they had other holidays. One of these was El Dia de los Magos Reyes (the Three Wise Men) where parents who did not have enough for Christmas could make it up to the kids with a small present or toy a week later. The tradition dates back to the birth of Jesus when the wise men brought presents.

It happened that on that day, Panfilo was at his family's home. Since he didn't have any kids, he thought it would be safe to stay and partake of the Rosca de Reyes, a tasty pastry shared by all.  Panfilo thought he could have a piece of the cake and stay off to the side to would leave quietly just in case his piece contained the plastic figurine of the baby Jesus hidden in the bread.

according to Mexican tradition,. whoever finds the baby Jesus has the responsibility of hosting a dinner and providing tamales and atole to the guests on February 2, the Dia de la Candelaria. This Panfilo definitely did not want to do.

Things went well enough and everyone took a piece of the cake. 

To his horror, Panfilo bit into the pastry and felt the plastic figure between his teeth. As everyone laughed and wondered who had gotten the baby (there were three in the cake), Panfilo chewed on the bread figurine and tried to swallow with a drink of atole.

He choked and gagged and spilled his drink and the people rushed over to help. He was already turning blue when a cousin who worked as a nursing assistant at a local hospital grabbed him from behind and applied the maneuver to remove the object from his throat. People though Panfilo was struggling for air, but in reality he was fighting off his cousin as he was passing out.

But alas, it was too late.  

By the time the chewed figure was ejected, Panfilo was dead.

As the tale made its way through the barrios, people marveled at how his miserly ways had cost him his life. And mothers, giving consejos to their kids now say: "Si eres tacaño con tus hermanos te va a castigar el niño Dios y te va a pasar lo que le paso a Panfilo."