LIFE WITH MOTHER, AND LIFE WITHOUT HER...

“I’ve lost two mothers now, and I don’t need reminders of what they left me: love and absence, good grief and bad grief, grief that holds you and grief that strangles you.” — Stephanie Foo

By Stephanie Foo

Mother’s Day used to make me mad. Nothing personal, all you moms out there. The truth is, I was just jealous.

As I wrote in a guest essay for Times Opinion this week, I had a pretty awful mother. She was abusive and made it very clear she did not love me before abandoning me when I was 13. And so on a day that celebrates the importance of a mother’s love, I got resentful and bitter. So what? Moms are overrated! Who needs a mom, anyway?

Well, as it turns out, me. A few years ago, I was eventually loved by a second mother, my mother-in-law. I didn’t ask to be — was skeptical of her, in fact — but she embraced me from the moment she met me and just never let go. She was generous, forgiving, a hilariously savvy cheater at board games and an expert at unconditional love. She helped heal me. She told me, “I will never leave you.” She was a treasure.

My husband and I lost her to a painful disease in April of last year, so this will be only my second Mother’s Day without her. But the holiday doesn’t make me mad anymore. It’s just plain sad. There’s a purity to this grief, and a motivation: to mother the motherless like she did, to love others with abandon.

This year our family is celebrating together by living her lessons. We’ll spend time together, taking care of one another with generosity and kindness. And yes, we’ll play some board games, too.