BROTHA DESANTIS TALKS DA TALK, WALKS DA WALK...

 

La Cebolla

DES MOINES, IA—Vociferously defending his state’s decision to teach middle school students that enslaved Black Americans benefited from forced labor, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced plans Monday to live as a slave for a year to prove it’s not that bad. 

“I’m going to be put on the auction block and sold away from my family to a cotton plantation where I will work all day, every day for one calendar year to show how it’s not that big of a deal,” the presidential hopeful said during a campaign stop in Iowa, explaining to his supporters that instead of complaining afterward, he would simply be grateful to have had the opportunity to learn the value of hard work. 

“I want Republican voters and the general electorate to see how committed I am to exposing slavery as the mutually beneficial arrangement that it truly was. I’ll be working the fields, cleaning master’s house, and cooking for master with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I’m sure I’ll get whipped sometimes, but I doubt that hurts too bad.” 

At press time, reports confirmed DeSantis had been beaten to death after being forced to fight another slave.