ASTROS 1-AND-A-HALF GAMES UP IN THE WEST, SOME HUMOR

(Ed.'s Note: Like the great old game? We do. What's more, we like the creative wit that many who have played the sport have dreamed up. We took the liberty of looking up the book "Covering the Bases," edited by Paul E. Gangi and published in 2003 by Barnes and Nobles. Here are a few of the gems in the book. Enjoy. We did.)

 "If we lost, I'd be eating my heart out. But since we won, I'll only eat one ventricle." – Rob Swoboda, outfielder from 1969 World Champion New York Mets

"Yeah, I'm pretty good on 670 days of rest." – Joe Magrane, pitcher who was unable to post a win in two years

"It only took me 21 runs and five years to get a win here." – Andy Pettite, pitcher commenting on his first win against the Texas Rangers in his home state of Texas

"Slumps are like a soft bed – they're easy to get into and hard to get out of." – Johnny Bench, Hall of Fame catcher

"The only way to prove that you're a good sport is to lose." – Ernie Banks, Hall of Fame shortstop

"Come out and see my amazin' Mets. I been in the game a hundred years but I see new ways to lose I never knew existed before." – Casey Stengel, Hall of Fame manager and manager of the 1962 Mets

"My baseball career spanned almost five decades from 1925-1973, count them and in all that time I never had a boss call me upstairs so that he could congratulate me for losing like a gentleman. When you're playing for money, winning is the only thing that matters. Show me a good loser in a professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. Show me a sportsman, and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade." – Leo Durocher, Hall of Fame manager

"The last time the Cubs won the World Series was in 1908. The last time they were in one was 1945. Hey, any team can have a bad century." – Tom Trebellhorn, in 1904, after becoming the new manager of the Chicago Cubs

"Home plate is 17 inches wide, but I ignore the middle twelve inches. I pitch to the two-and-a-half inches on each side," – Warren Spahn, Hall of Fame pitcher

"Half the plate belongs to the batter, and the other half belongs to me. That's fair. It's just that I never let the batter know which half is mine." – Don Drysdale, Hall of Fame pitcher

"When Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon, he and all the space scientists were puzzled by an unidentifiable white object. I knew immediately what it was. That was the home-run ball hit off me in 1937 by Jimmie Foxx." – Lefty Gomez, Hall of Fame pitcher

"Trying to sneak a ball past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak sunrise past a rooster." – Curt Simmons, all-star pitcher

"I owe my baseball success to clean living and a fast outfield." – Lefty Gomez, Hall of Fame pitcher

"You spend a good piece of your youth gripping a baseball and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time." – Jim Bouton, all-star pitcher

"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa." Casey Stengel

"Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." – Ted Williams, Hall of Fame outfielder

"A man once told me to walk with the Lord. I'd rather walk with the bases loaded." – Ken Singleton, all-star outfielder who recorded three seasons with over 100 walks

"Two-thirds of the earth is covered with water. The other one-third is covered by Gary Maddox, Ralph Kiner, outfielder and baseball announcer

"He didn't have a good view of the game, so I gave him a chance to watch the other end of it on television." – Stan Landes, umpire on ejecting Dodgers second baseman Maury Wills

"I'm a Christian. But I have no problem with umpires. I love 'em. I'm at peace with the world. Except on close plays." – Earl Weaver, Hall of Fame manager

"Ideally, the umpire should combine the integrity of a Supreme Court justice, the physical agility of an acrobat, the endurance of Job, and the imperturbability of Buddah." – Time Magazine, 1961

"My favorite umpire is a dead one." – Johnny Evers, Hall of Fame second baseman

"An angry player can't argue with the back of an umpire who is walking away." – Bill Klem, Hall of Fame umpire

"There are certain things that can't be bought: a mother's love, loyalty, friendship, and a left-handed pitcher who can throw strikes." – Casey Stengel, Hall of Fame manager

"Statistics are like bikinis – they show a lot, but never everything." – Lou Pinella, a player and manager

Earl Weaver called Ken Singleton into his office and asked him:
"Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing is wrong."
"Are you sick?"
"No."
"Are you tired?"
"No."
"Well, I'm sick and tired of you not hitting!" – Earl Weaver, Hall of Fame manager to Ken Singleton, all-star player

"If ever I find a pitcher who has heat, a good curve, and a slider, I might seriously consider marrying him, or at least proposing." – Sparky Anderson, Hall of Fame manager who retired with 2,194 wins

"They can't yank a novelist like they can a pitcher. A novelist has to go the full nine, even if it kills him." – Ernest Hemingway, writer

"Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction." – Robert Frost, poet

"I do all I can for them. I even pray for them each night. I hope the Supreme Court doesn't declare them unconstitutional." – Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th president of the United States on the Washington Senators

"I'd watch a lot of baseball on radio." – Gerald Ford, 38th president of the United States

"Fred Patek is so small that when he was born his father passed out cigar butts." – Joey Adams, comedian, on the one-time Royals' shortstop

"If Pete Rose bets on prison softball games, will he be barred from jail for life?" – Jay Leno, talk-show host