NASA'S MARS STRATEGY: USE DISPENSIBLE ASTRONAUTS

La Cebolla

WASHINGTON—In an astounding scientific breakthrough once believed decades away, NASA administrator Bill Nelson told reporters Monday that a manned mission to Mars was already feasible if we picked astronauts no one gives a shit about. 

“We’re excited to announce that we have both the technology and the funding to send a human crew to Mars as long as you don’t care if they come back or not,” said Nelson, who explained that the agency had managed to achieve the incredible feat after realizing there was nothing stopping them from waiving most of their technical, safety, and training requirements. 

“Listen, if we really want to make this happen, we can do it. We won’t send some beloved American hero up there, but just say the word, and heck, we could launch this thing as soon as tomorrow.” At press time, NASA had announced a new astronaut class of 11 assholes recruited off Craigslist who no one would ever fucking miss.