FRIDAY FUNNIES: "I TELL YOU, WE DON'T GET NO RESPECT..."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." Bob Hope

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." Johnny Carson

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." Will Ferrel

"I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs." Mitch Hedbergl

"When you see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in the toilet." Redd Foxx

"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know." Rodney Dangerfield

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." Lucille Ball

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places." Milton Berle

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes — and six months later, you have to start all over again." Joan Rivers

"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? George Carlin

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything." Demetri Martin

"Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them." Norm Macdonald

"My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." Henny Youngman

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There’s no use being a damned fool about it." W.C. Fields