NOT TO BE UPSTAGED, TRUMP HOLDS HIS BIGGER, BETTER FUNERAL

La Cebolla

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony.

“I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled Trump, who lay at the opposite end of the National Cathedral as his senior aides attempted to persuade Carter funeral attendees to leave their seats and pay respects to the 45th president. 

“This coffin sure is impressive, isn’t it? The guy in here must be super beloved. We’re going to need way more than a national day of mourning. More like a month—but who knows, maybe my mourners will demand a year.”

At press time, reports confirmed Trump had sat up in the coffin to deliver his own eulogy.