IF TRUMP HAS HIS WAY, ALL KIDS WILL BE NAMED JOHNNY REB

La Cebolla

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. 

“Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals into giving their kids ‘woke’ names like Tyler and Justin when they should have been naming them Stonewall and Forrest,” said Trump, claiming that the approximately 15 million children born during the Biden administration were all given names that denied America’s true history.

“Biden, he made it illegal to name your kid Lee, he did that, but we’re going to restore all those kids’ names that got taken away. Every last one. So no more Noahs, no more Liams. They are all going to be Johnny Reb Beauregard now. These people are ashamed of America. Many of these kids should be named Bragg, but got named Braydon instead, and I’m fixing it. And if you don’t do it, we’ll be picking the name for you. This goes for girls, too.” 

Trump added that any parents who failed to comply with the executive order would see all federal funding withheld from their state of residence."