EVERY TIME CRUZ LEAVES TEXAS THERE IS A DISASTER

La Cebolla

KERRVILLE, TX—Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week’s deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. 

“I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One to dispute the $1,000 charge for the private Santorini boat tour I had to miss,” said Cruz, seeking to comfort residents who lost homes and loved ones by revealing that he had relentlessly fought the Four Seasons in Athens to refund the cost of his room after his trip was tragically cut short. 

“This is indeed a dark day for Texas, but I swear to you, I am working nonstop to get United to waive the ridiculous penalty I had to pay to change my flight. I realize more than anyone that merely getting a suite comped for a future stay at the Mykonos Riviera Hotel and Spa cannot possibly begin to ease the pain of losing one’s cash. I promise you this: I will find a way to keep my loyalty points. Refund efforts are well under way.”

At press time, a triumphant Cruz told Texans in an emergency press conference that he had been able to use his miles to get a great deal on a trip to Cabo.