By JMon
The City of Brownsville Commission has tapped former Mayor Pat Ahumada to replace Hizzoner Da Mayor Tony Martinez.
Martinez resigned after he reportedly got a vision while he was on his way to the Immaculate Conception Cathedral where a voice was said to have told him to resign or he would burn in real-estate hell. Reports indicate he was going to make the bishop an offer for the church from city-issued COs and then donate it to to the University of Texas System. Others say the deal would include a proposal to make former UTB-TSC partnership president (and then UTB president, and then Institute of the Americas president and then Global Engagement advisor to the Chancellor) Julieta Garcia a saint. (One of the miracles ascribed to Garcia that would make her eligible for canonization are reports of her walking across the Ft. Brown resaca during her reign at UTB-TSC. Another was her near-successful attempt to have Texas Southmost College disappear inside the bowels of the UT System.)
Passersby who were near the cathedral were said to have heard a booming voice say "Repent! The end is near!" as Martinez was thrown to the ground near bishop Marx's tomb by an unseen force.
Ahumada, meanwhile, said he had been certain that it was just a matter of time before the local yokels realized he was the true savior of the city and said he stood ready to govern.
"A pit bull in every yard," he promised the commissioners.
Meanwhile, commissioner Rose Gowen announced plans to turn US 77-83 into a regional bike trail and said that city employees would now be required to wear bike-riding gear instead of jeans on "Dress Down Fridays."
"They're cool duds and they only cost a small fortune," she said. "Pero son de pege and you look hot during Cyclobia when the town is deserted and you whiz by on Adams going the wrong way."
Meanwhile, almost a month after the competition, the Gordita Eating Contest judges disqualified Healthy Communities Director Rose Timmer as the winner after they said that she had fed her dog almost a dozen of the lard-laden delicacies to her pet dog on the sly.
"That was pretty slick," said one of the judges. "We didn't know about it until a local vet called us to say he was treating Rose's perrito for obesity and blamed the gorditas for its condition. We're thinking of siccing Da new Mayor on Rose."
Following Martinez's epiphany, the city finance department reported that local businessman Abraham Galonsky had returned a check for $2.3 million to the city saying that his conscience did not allow him to keep it, especially after Martinez had his near-heaven experience.
"Keep me out of it," Galonsky was said to have told Asst. city manager for finance Pete Gonzalez.
Over at the Brownsville Independent School District, the entire school board resigned en masse saying they were playing hooky instead.
"No wonder the kids do it," said one of the departing trustees. "It's huge fun! A la Jiriola!"
(NOT! April Fool!) Happy birthday, Ben.
Friday, April 1, 2016
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rita
6 comments:
It may be funny, but I it wouldn't surprise me
Wish it was true. Still laughing my ass off.
montoya... ya no le des espacio a pat ahumada porque se va a volver a lanzar para mayor. a estos politicos de brownsville les importa si pierden se vuelven a postular ahi tienes de nuevo al pendejo de TREVINO perdio la vez pasada para juez del condado y dale otra ves se lanza no tiene verguenza por eso ya no le des espacio al tal AHUMADA porque se lanza otra ves.
They are all clowns; parks, bike and walk trails, WTF!!! STOP ALREADY!!! We need to get real business people into those seats that know what the city needs and is so desperately calling for. These dumb asses are nothing but that, DUMB ASSES!!! They don't know a damn thing. We need business people that are going to work closely with the BEDEC, which are not any better, but oh well. They need to start bringing in commerce, development, and infrastructure to our city; truly beef up our city economy which has so much potential. How stupid these leaders are (ALL 7 OF THEM). We have the Port of Brownsville, Mexico, Boca Chica Beach and SPI - all this to our advantage and they can’t seem to use these strengths (SMH). How is it that McAllen is booming considering that they lack much of what I just mentioned. Damn this pisses me off!! Our group leader doesn't even know what the hell is going on the majority of the time (hahahahaha). Now the 6 other idiots, let's see.....well, we have a DJ / teacher (WTF HAHHAHAHA), a doctor (hahahahaha), a so called lava carros owner (ROFLMAO - nada que ver), a jeweler (hhahahahahahahahahah), some other dumb dumb, and last but not least, a just plan dummy that never makes sense with what he says nor asks all the damn time(hahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahah). Now that I think about it, I don't know whether to laugh, get mad, or both. But you know what, at the end of it all, this is not these idiots fault. They are a reflection of the ignorant people that walk among us here in the valley. The ignorant people that voted them into those positions.
El oh el!
To the poster at April 1, 11:26 PM. It's not the fault of the 2% of the eligible voters that put these dumb-asses into office, but rather the other apathetic, non-informed (as opposed to ill-informed) 98% who did not participate in the elections, oblivious to the whole process. And things will not change unless large numbers get involved in the process and exercise their right-to-vote (which, apparently, right-wing Republicans are more than willing to circumscribe by enacting 21st century style Jim Crow restrictions - North Caorlina and Wisconsin case in point).
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