The Onion
WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom
“On Jan. 3, the Trump administration received its first notification that a quartet of ghostly riders had barreled out of the endless night—auguring death, despair, and a great cataclysm upon the earth—but the president did not begin to take the threat seriously until mid-March,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, a co-author of the report compiled from interviews with sources who asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to discuss torrents of blood raining from the Oval Office ceiling and flooding the West Wing.
“For 10 full weeks, during which the White House could have been using the vast resources at its disposal to prepare for the final battle between good and evil, officials instead chose to downplay the coming apocalypse, minimizing omens such as the sudden rupture of the moon, which unleashed the black, inky trail of crows that continues to circle the Washington Monument.
How many countless souls could have been saved from the dark ravages of hell simply by alerting the public that a beast with seven heads and 10 horns had emerged from the sea?”
Asked about the report, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany replied that the ominous sound of seven trumpets was being heard all the time, and no one could have known these were the seven trumpets that would herald the 1,000-year reign of Satan on earth.
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WHERE'S MY CHECK?????
Cameron County Judge Eddie Trevino Jr. said at a Friday press conference that he and his fellow county judges in Hidalgo, Starr and Willacy counties have begun discussions in the creation of a task force to figure out which businesses can slowly begin reopening in the near future.
Don't load it up with funeral home owners
Trump bailing on owed checks the way he FORGOT TO PAY workers at his hotels for decades. UH OH TRUMPERS you didn't know he runs and leaves bill's unpaid? Trump hot checks are famous, like his bankrupt casinos you losers
The Onion is satire. This is fiction.
Trump pushing civil war, forcing states to re-open:
He is telling us plainly that he will stoke civil unrest and further harm public health to find a political pathway out of a galactic-scale fuck-up of his own making.
A heartfelt thank you to all folks at Walmart, Lopez, HEB, and all drive-throughs. I’m now a firm believer of a living wage for all.
Trump 2020!
Sorry, anonymous at 6:47, the fuck up and responsible for the death in our local communities was created by no other than the three amigos. The three amigos are The Governor, Gregg Abbott, County judges, and our so called political leader for the area. They were aware of the serious of the Virus, but they took it upon themselves to make bad choices. Take for instance our elderly who are in nursing homes or rehabilitation centers, they didn't go out and expose themselves to the COVID-19, the COVID-19 came to them. We as citizens take it upon GOOD FAITH that our loved ones are in the best place and protected. Yet, we the loved ones are not allowed to go see our elderly ones because we could SPREAD and contaminate them. Who were the ones who spread the deadly virus? The nursing staff were the ones who spread the virus to our dead ones. Since Feb/ 2020 our so called elected leaders took it upon themselves to play with our lives. Eddie Trevino Gregg Abbot, and our local political leaders should be held responsible for careless and for the death of our elderly community. The sharing of nursing staff, going from Valley Baptist,and other infected medical facilities and then going and spreading the virus to our loved ones is inexcusable. These so called three amigos are again in the decision making. This is what a Democracy is about allowing others in the decision making compared to a dictatorship. As we can see Eddie Trevino has a furniture store and his store was allowed to function as normal during this epidemic crisis. So who is really calling the shots here.
Shame on you. Put a disclaimer that "The Onion" is a satirical (that means it's fake news and a comedy) newspaper. People are going to read this and think it's real. You are part of the problem. You are trying to keep people ignorant with fake news. At least mention that it's satirical.
All I want for christmas is my PINCHE CHEQUE!!!!!
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