BEG GOD'S FORGIVENESS FOR SINNERS CAUSING VIRUS

Guest Editorial
Special to El Rrun-Rrun

Is this breaking news?

We just heard Texas Governor Greg Abbott will order all schools to open second, parallel-but-alternative nurse's offices on their campuses. It looks like the new offices will be to accommodate those who are opposed to Covid-19 vaccinations.

Early indications are treatment protocols will include bloodletting, leeches and skull boring. While the medieval practices appear to fly in the face of modern medicine, a spokesman for the governor pointed out that the world survived a pandemic when these practices were prevalent, with losses of only 25 to 50 million lives. 

The new offices are expected to focus on the four humours, and emphasize preventions such as avoiding bad smells. (sports, however, will remain a priority, so any locker room odors will be considered sacrosanct.) 

Another area the Abbott administration considers out-of-bounds is whipping. While it is an accepted practice to earn God's forgiveness and thus eliminates a cause of disease, once a child reaches school- attendance age, whipping is no longer appropriate, the spokesman said. 

Adult employees also will not be whipped (as a medical treatment). "If an employee feels they need whipping to earn God's forgiveness," the spokesman explained, "They're going to have to self-flagellate and earn it themselves."