THE ONION'S STATE-BY-STATE LAWS FOR GUNS IN THE U.S.

Alabama: Guns may be legally wed after 16 years of ownership.

Alaska: Salmon convicted of felonies may not purchase a firearm.

Arizona: Guns must be securely buried in the desert at least 20 miles from home.

Arkansas: Mandatory background checks on anyone who doesn’t own a gun.

California: Law requires every gun owner to first pass an IMDB background check.

Colorado: Legal to grow up to 10 guns in your backyard.

Connecticut: High capacity magazines are banned for their garish tackiness.

Delaware: Arsenals may be anonymously stashed in LLCs.

Florida: Law requires all firearms to be stored securely above the refrigerator or in the car’s glove compartment.

Georgia: Residents are allowed to apply for a license within 24 hours after they have been challenged to a duel for their daughter’s honor.

Hawaii: Mark Zuckerberg’s (Facebook, Meta) security team has first pick of all guns.

Idaho: State sort of looks like a gun, and that’s the law.

Illinois: Requires Indiana residents to abide by 48-hour waiting period before smuggling guns into state.

Indiana: State gun shows enforce a strict ban on cutting in line to purchase a weapon.

Iowa: All guns must be won at state fair ring toss booth.

Kansas: Now why would a real American need to buy a gun when they should already have one?

Kentucky: All gun show buyers must undergo a 30-minute story from seller about time his brother-in-law used one of these babies to shoot a squirrel right out a tree.

Louisiana: Forty-eight-hour waiting period on media mentioning any shooting victims.

Maine: Old mariners required to bind their most beloved gun to ship’s mast to prevent it from washing overboard during great tempest.

Maryland: Maryland has some of the strongest gun laws in the country, making firearm trafficking very lucrative.

Massachsetts: Guns illegal unless a Kennedy needs to get rid of a problem, quick.

Michigan: Firearm purchases require proof of membership in a white supremacist group.

Minnesota: Guns only permitted during summer months when it’s nice enough to really enjoy them.

Mississippi: Everyone in this state is already dead from gunshot wounds.

Missouri: Mandatory self-inflicted wound while cleaning gun by age 21.

Montana: Anyone murdered by guns in national parks must be dragged out by shooter to preserve their pristine beauty.

Nebraska: Breastfeeding guns in public is legal, but the social stigma remains.

Nevada: Entire state legally considered gun range

New Hampshire: Shooting deaths are banned in fall so as to not obscure the view of the foliage.

New Jersey: Why do you want to know New Jersey’s gun laws so bad? Huh? Holy shit. Are you wearing a wire?

New York: Tourists are warned that firearms sold by street vendors are most likely fake.

New Mexico: Stand Your Ground law allows gun owners to legally defend themselves in attempted alien abductions.

North Carolina: Domestic abusers required to count to 10 after a conviction before they’re allowed to have their gun back.

Ohio: Laws don’t apply in the abandoned factories.

Oklahoma: Most guns free if buyers can prove intent to hunt down pregnant women.

Oregon: The state has become a destination for terminal patients after legalizing physician-assisted gun deaths.

Pennsylvania: Guns are strictly limited to championship celebrations.

Rhode Island: No room for anything bigger than a pistol.

South Carolina: Gun show vendors must urge minors to not go and do anything foolish before selling them firearm.

South Dakota: Just grab whatever from the bin.

Tennessee: Citizens do not need a license to open carry as Tennessee is technically still fighting the Civil War.

Texas: The only law out in these parts is shoot first.

Utah: Gun owners allowed to defend selves in presence of dancing.

Vermont: Guns only available by special permit for tracking and apprehending foliage poachers.

Virginia: Must register all Muskets, Shot, and related Accouterments with the Court of King George.

Washington: Ghost guns must be installed with the latest software update.

West Virginia: Just try not to get too drunk before blasting shit.

Wisconsin: Guns in the home must be kept out of reach of children considered parents’ favorite.

Wyoming: Lenient gun laws presume you’ll just be shooting yourself.