TRUMP: SEAL TEAM SNUFFS OUT UNIVERSITY PROTESTER

La Cebolla

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid. 

“Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Daniel J. McLeigh, the notorious activist responsible for dozens of peaceful protests on the University of Pennsylvania campus,” said the commander-in-chief, describing the moment in the Situation Room when he ordered a Navy SEAL special missions unit to land on the university’s quad, raid a freshman dormitory, and eliminate the undergrad with extreme prejudice as “the proudest of his presidency.” 

“These boys flew in under the cover of darkness. They used night-vision goggles and thermal tracking to make sure we never lost track of the target. We did have to abandon one Black Hawk helicopter after it crashed into the dining hall, but that’s a small price to pay for making sure we’ll never again live in fear of this English major. 

''More details will be released in the coming days, but for now I’ll just say this: We got him. We got him, folks. Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.” 

The White House also released a statement confirming the 19-year-old’s body had been buried in the Delaware River so that he would not have a grave that became a site of pilgrimage for other politically engaged citizens.