By T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus
The Onion
No one.
Yes, you deciphered those words correctly, simpleton news-reader: Every human in the year two thousand and twelve — beyond myself, of course — was not only unworthy of this newspaper’s Person of the Year distinction but deserved my very deepest scorn and contempt.
Reader, did you really harbor the thought, somewhere in your porridge-stuffed head, that your favorite photo-play actress, law-maker, or pious holy man might actually be worthy of special commendation? Your childlike naïveté amuses me almost to the point of laughter, a sensation I have not physically experienced since the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915.
There is no Person of the Year. How dare you even presume there might be?
The task of choosing a Person of the Year has vexed me since I first invented the honor in 1896, and each year subsequent has filled me with an ever-increasing dread.
Why, I recall 1938, when the mule-brained busybodies who laughably refer to themselves as my editorial staff recommended three candidates for The Onion’s Person of the Year: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, and Jesse Owens.
Understandably enraged at the prospect of choosing between a meddling, blue-blood cripple, a proof-scribbling Kraut, and a grotesquely expeditious Negro, I did the only sensible thing and awarded the prize to Adolf Hitler, and proudly so.
If Mr. Hitler were breathing today, I would likely bestow the honor on him again, but, regrettably, the wheels of history had other plans.
The choices offered me this year were no more auspicious, I assure you, not least of all because I had not heard of a damned blasted one of them. Only this Bashar al-Assad gentleman intrigued me, although I have determined he is still another year away from unleashing his full potential. The rest could be swept into the dustbin of history and none would be the poorer.
The proliferation of women, Negroes, Irish, Jews, Jewesses, and Chinese on the short-list of “nominees” was enough to send me into an apoplexy requiring half a dozen nurse-maids to contain.
Oh, I suppose I could award the honor to myself, as I have on 83 separate occasions in the past 115-odd years, but the thrill of favoritism wore off decades ago. As did the temptation of a supple bribe. And besides, from what little sense I could gather from the laudanum-dazed confines of my bed-chamber, it would appear the 12th year of this confounded century was quite an abhorrent year indeed, filled with abhorrent people doing abhorrent things.
At the rate things are going now, this staggering mess we insist on calling civilization will be but a pile of ash in a century’s time, and this news-paper will never again have to publish this annual feature. One can only hope, and dream.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onions-person-of-the-year-is,30761/
Publisher Emeritus
The Onion
No one.
Yes, you deciphered those words correctly, simpleton news-reader: Every human in the year two thousand and twelve — beyond myself, of course — was not only unworthy of this newspaper’s Person of the Year distinction but deserved my very deepest scorn and contempt.
Reader, did you really harbor the thought, somewhere in your porridge-stuffed head, that your favorite photo-play actress, law-maker, or pious holy man might actually be worthy of special commendation? Your childlike naïveté amuses me almost to the point of laughter, a sensation I have not physically experienced since the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915.
There is no Person of the Year. How dare you even presume there might be?The task of choosing a Person of the Year has vexed me since I first invented the honor in 1896, and each year subsequent has filled me with an ever-increasing dread.
Why, I recall 1938, when the mule-brained busybodies who laughably refer to themselves as my editorial staff recommended three candidates for The Onion’s Person of the Year: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, and Jesse Owens.
Understandably enraged at the prospect of choosing between a meddling, blue-blood cripple, a proof-scribbling Kraut, and a grotesquely expeditious Negro, I did the only sensible thing and awarded the prize to Adolf Hitler, and proudly so.
If Mr. Hitler were breathing today, I would likely bestow the honor on him again, but, regrettably, the wheels of history had other plans.
The choices offered me this year were no more auspicious, I assure you, not least of all because I had not heard of a damned blasted one of them. Only this Bashar al-Assad gentleman intrigued me, although I have determined he is still another year away from unleashing his full potential. The rest could be swept into the dustbin of history and none would be the poorer.
The proliferation of women, Negroes, Irish, Jews, Jewesses, and Chinese on the short-list of “nominees” was enough to send me into an apoplexy requiring half a dozen nurse-maids to contain.
Oh, I suppose I could award the honor to myself, as I have on 83 separate occasions in the past 115-odd years, but the thrill of favoritism wore off decades ago. As did the temptation of a supple bribe. And besides, from what little sense I could gather from the laudanum-dazed confines of my bed-chamber, it would appear the 12th year of this confounded century was quite an abhorrent year indeed, filled with abhorrent people doing abhorrent things.
At the rate things are going now, this staggering mess we insist on calling civilization will be but a pile of ash in a century’s time, and this news-paper will never again have to publish this annual feature. One can only hope, and dream.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onions-person-of-the-year-is,30761/
8 comments:
I think my vote will go to Robert Griffin III. He is a great football player, but a greater person. A man of quality and integrity. I can not think of one politician that I think should have this award...most are self serving. I couldn't give the award to the citizens of the US either...because they elected the public officials that don't serve the people and surely not the nation.
After yesterday's game, I agree with the guy/gal above. Now if we had to choose a "Person of the Year" in Cameron County, I would choose my newspaper carrier....she is extremely dependable, considerate, doesn't use tax dollars for self=promotion and surely is in touch with the citizens and her customers. No elected official in Cameron Co. can pass that test.
The Herald will have a tough time finding out a "story of the year" using their poll on their internet site today. They as the public "What is the most important news item of 2012" and the options for response are "Yes" or "No"...just the jibberish we expect from the Herald.
juan is that clint eastwoods chair?
Y YO QUE PEDO PINCHE MONTOYA!!!!!!!!
UUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
MACLOVIO O'MALLEY
Person of the year for the RGV in 2012: He/She who works, does not depend on government handouts, votes (and is NOT part of the local political machine), is not involved in selling drugs or illegal aliens. The father who takes his children to school and drives to WORK an honest job, the mom who has to work to make ends meet for her family and she is not involved in affairs, illegal situations because she cares about the well being of her family. Believe it or not, there ARE people here like that. Sadly, they are outnumbered by the greedy, power and money machine that will end up destrying our town like the powerful and mighty US Congress is destroying our country.
Ah!
I like the 8:42 post.
i agree with the 8.42 am posting too, the award should go to all these honest folks be it a man or woman who take care of home, work, family or business everyday. Those who are not trampas en este condado, honest, hard working, God fearing, everyday common folks, amen
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